The 12 Commandments of Christmas

Dec 24, 2019 | Fiction, Humour

Photo by Motoki Tonn on Unsplash

Feel the frustrations of the Creator.

On the first day of Christmas my true Lord said to me: Thou shalt not kill

On the second day of Christmas my true Lord said to me:

  • Worship no god but me and
  • Thou shalt not kill.

On the third day…

On the ninth day…

On the tenth day of Christmas my true Lord said to me:

  • Do not make for yourselves images of anything in heaven and earth;
  • Do not covet another man’s house, wife or anything that he owns;
  • Do not accuse anyone falsely;
  • Do not use my name for evil purposes;
  • Do not steal;
  • Do not commit adultery;
  • Respect your father and mother;
  • Observe the Sabbath and keep it holy;
  • Worship no god but me and
  • Thou shalt not kill

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true Lord said to me: Do unto others as you would have done unto you.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true Lord said to me: Ughhhhh! I’m tired of trying to do this through one liners.

There’s something to be said for succinctness, sure, but you guys still don’t get it. I mean, where’s the ambiguity in ‘Thou shalt not kill’?

I guess if I were pushed to stick to the traditional style, the twelfth would be something like ‘Thou shalt not invoke My name to compel or restrict the actions of others.’ In other words, leave the judgment to Me!

It is Christ’s birthday. For His sake, do not presume to take My role into your own hands while claiming to act for Me. Some of you even have the audacity to break My first commandment in the process — killing people who don’t live in accordance with your interpretation of My law. Sometimes I wonder whether this whole enterprise was a mistake.

For those of you who are a bit on the gullible side, let Me spell a couple of things out for you. NO ONE who is claiming to act in My name is doing so with My blessing — NO ONE. Some are being sincere: among them, some are crazy (take great pains to keep them at a distance) while others are just misinformed (just ignore them). Not all, however, are even sincere. There are plenty of “God’s messengers” out there who are simply seeking to pull one over on you, to manipulate you, to control you (fear them and suspect all that they do and say).

Read My lips: no one is authorised to pronounce My judgment on someone else. Live your OWN life according to your understanding of My wishes. Let others do the same. Let earthly considerations inform earthly laws. Any eternal reckoning will be handled after each of you passes from the earthly realm, and I’ll be in the mood for some serious ass kickin’ if you are one of those who’ve tried to pass themselves off as My lieutenants!

There. I’ve got that off My chest. To be honest, you guys need a re-casting of this whole commandment thing. So…

On the twelfth day of Christmas, I say unto to you:

  • Have fun;
  • Contribute to the happiness of others;
  • Alleviate the suffering of others;
  • Live with humility;
  • Be true to yourself;
  • Wonder at the world around you;
  • Wander in the world around you;
  • Leave something beautiful in the world when you pass from it;
  • Find or create at least one person in life whom you care about more than yourself;
  • Make sure that that person knows this;
  • Pay attention to reality, and do what feels right;
  • Thou shalt not kill.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

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